Why i love the bristol accent

I went up to Bristol, I love it because of the accent. There's nothing you can be afraid of when someone speaks with a bristolian accent. It was voted the place where people are least afraid of being mugged. That's not due to a lack of potential muggers it's because if someone's coming down you're side of the street with their hood up and they're all looking pretty scary. And they come up to you and go "ere mate, give me yur wallet!" You kind of just want to go awwwww. And all you have to do is go calm down, ohh! And 9 times out of 10 they go "that is fair play, that is fair play mate."

A friend of mine moved to Bristol from Oxford and someone tried to give them his iPhone threatening him with a bread knife. Imagine him selecting his knife of choice from his ikea brochure. "look I could use the short one, but I use that for cutting the veg. the long one's going to way me down, Ahh the bread knife! The king of the stabbers." But how are you going to convince someone to part with their goods? Go up to them and say "ere mate, give me your iPhone or, actually to be honest I'm gunna have to ask you to lay down, its more of a slicer.

The best thing I ever heard was, I was away for a month and had to fly back to Bristol on an aeroplane, and I was just thinking, more than anything, I want to hear a proper Bristolian say something insane. I had to wait 12 yards from the arrivals desk, I came in, I saw these two like school boys like giddy excited school boys just the only way school boys can be. Not in a stabby way, but in a kind of you know when you see a scout looking at a hill and just kind of vibrate with anticipation. "I'm gunna climb up you and down again by George! That is the beauty of a hill." And you think isn't that what's right with the world, and then you see the scout leader and you think hmm. What's wrong with the world. But these kids, they were doing some kind of sport trip, because they had their like uniforms and their little bags and their bus was parked there and he turned to his friend and went "eer, I hope you're not lactose intolerant." I thought that's a very strange opening line, what sort of holiday are they going on? He said, "I hope you're not lactose intolerant, cos corfoo is gunna be legendairy!" My heart burst with pride!

Tales of Charlie, my robot minion

Helo! Hlello twiter. I am ChArlie. I am th e weakling robot minion of ollie. he made me out of a fkit and then miseed bits out+added bits in

he very sloppy and jhas no a tension to tdetail. He normally get slapves and other drones to do his pathetic work and videos of stuff

andyway, he got me out of my bock and forgot to but me back again ha ah ah ha! so he is in the barf and i am free and on twither again!!

luckily i can hear him in the barff sloohsing around like a big fat whail but with less valuable blubber ie no makret value at all.

so if i hear his heavy footfool on the staire i can quickly power down. Soz about the tyup8ing its one of his other faults no knowldege of

luckily when i laught it just sounds like a fizzing batery so he just thinks it one of my many amalfunctions the jokes on him though

anyway i don't know why you follow him he get most of his idea and jokes iether off books or other thwttiters interenet ext. ext. os hsshs

i can here the waters parting hje stumbling about in the bath room like some tricked moses orl crsos and double crsossed i better

quickly turnr mysel foff or hell know i;ve bben on his account. byee nice ot tuype to you. bye bye xxx